Baker
Maynard D. Baker Funeral Home
11 Lafayette Street
Queensbury, NY 12804
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Baker Maynard D. Baker Funeral Home 11 Lafayette Street Queensbury, NY 12804
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Traditions: Why do we do that?Have you ever wondered why certain things are done at funerals? Or perhaps you wonder how -- as in "How should I dress?" "What do I say?" This page should help you in discovering some of those answers.
What are calling hours and why have them? My loved one died of an extended illness, do I need to consider calling hours? What do I do at calling hours? Why do I need to consider sending flowers? When are flowers not appropriate? What happens at a funeral service? What services are appropriate when a baby dies?
What are calling hours and why have them? - "Calling Hours" is a rather archaic term. In the early 1900's people would "call on" one another. Not to say that they would phone their friends, rather they would go visit. When speaking of "calling hours" of a funeral, this simply means that friends may visit at the funeral home during the times published. This is a time and place for friends to offer their expressions of sorrow and sympathy. The practice of calling hours (or in some areas "visitation") is most common among the Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary notice should tell you when the family will be present, or you may call the funeral home for this information.
My loved one died of an extended illness, do I need to consider calling hours? Even though all your friends and family knew about the deteriorating health of your loved one, calling hours will still be important to them. Many people find great comfort in sharing their respect for the deceased with the family members. Often family members think with dread about meeting people at calling hours. However, usually they come away with a greater understanding of the importance their loved one played in many lives. In allowing friends to express their feelings, family members find great comfort themselves.
What do I do at calling hours? Meet the family. Upon arrival, go to the family, and express your sympathy with an embrace or by offering your hands. Don't feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died. Talking can help the grieving process begin. Offer a simple statement of condolence, such as "I'm so sorry. My sympathy to you and your family," or "Your grandmother was a fine person. She will be missed by many." If you were an acquaintance of the deceased but not well-known to the family, immediately introduce yourself. You may say something like, "Hello, we have not met, but George and I worked together several years ago. My name is Mary Smith."
Pay your respects to the person who has died. Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered by the family, it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased and, if you desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer. The family may wish to escort you to the casket, or you may proceed on your own.
Signing the register. Always enter your name in the register book, using your full name so the family can better identify you. If you were a business associate of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation if the family may not otherwise know you.
Conduct and Emotions. After you have spoken to the family, it is perfectly appropriate to engage in quiet conversation with friends you may meet at the visitation. Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during prayers, if they are being offered. Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the bereaved becomes emotional or begins to cry. Allowing the bereaved to grieve is a natural healing process. However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.
What should I say? Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the deceased are always appropriate. Depending on your relationship to the family, you may say something like: "I am so sorry about John. He was a good friend, and I will miss him very much." If the bereaved wants to talk, they usually simply need to express their feelings; they aren't necessarily looking for a response from you. They may say things that seem irrational or pose questions that have no answer, and the kindest response is usually a warm hug and a sympathetic, "I know this is hard for you."
Why do I need to consider sending flowers? A floral tribute can be of great comfort to the family. If you can imagine walking into a room filled with the loveliness and the soft fragrance of beautiful flowers, you can understand how something so simple can be so meaningful.
You may send your flowers to the funeral home or the residence before the funeral. It is also appropriate to send flowers to the residence after the funeral. Your florist can guide you in selecting something appropriate within your price range.
Remember also, that while flowers are appropriate, they are not required. Do not feel you must send flowers in order to attend calling hours or the funeral service. Your presence is the greatest comfort and gift you can give.
When are flowers not appropriate? There are only a few exceptions when flowers are not appropriate. If the family requests flowers be omitted, or that donations in lieu of flowers be made, you should honor the request. You should not send flowers to an Orthodox Jewish funeral. Flowers are not sent to a Catholic church, although they are welcomed at the funeral home. Protestant churches will generally accept flowers, but many families prefer flowers be sent to the funeral home, with the casket having a floral offering from the family for the funeral.
What happens at a funeral service? The funeral service will differ depending on the religious and personal beliefs of the family. The service may be held at a church, temple, funeral home, or a location of significance to the family. Most families choose the funeral home as the setting, with a brief service often following at graveside.
Whether the service is held at the funeral home or another location, enter quietly and be seated. Depending on the size of the funeral, you may be assisted by an usher. The first few rows are usually reserved for family members, but you should feel free to sit closely behind them to offer your support and comfort.
The ceremony is generally conducted by a member of the clergy. Do not worry if you are unfamiliar with the religious customs of the family. Follow the lead of others.
Often, the family will want a few private moments with their loved one after the ceremony. If you are informed that the service is concluded, you will want to leave promptly, and wait in your car if you plan to be part of the funeral procession. You are not obligated to participate in the procession, but the final moments can be difficult for the family.
Please turn on your headlights so you will be identified as part of the procession, and remember to turn them off when you arrive at the cemetery.
If there is a graveside service, the chairs at the casket are reserved for immediate family members. You may be asked to stand for the brief graveside service, which may include a short prayer or other words of strength and encouragement. An announcement is generally made at the end of the remarks indicating if the family will be receiving visitors at home following the service.
What services are appropriate when a baby dies? Most families usually have some idea of what they desire for funeral services for an older loved one. When a baby dies, the family often finds themselves at a loss. In our situation (see Caleb's Page) we found the guidance we received to be very helpful. When a baby dies, the main thing is to allow a time for the friends of the parents to express their sympathy. We found calling hours to be very important to us.
Usually the funeral service centers around the life of the deceased. In the case of a baby or young child this can be difficult. While we didn't want to do away with a funeral service completely, we found that for us, we were most comfortable with a simple graveside service. At the service a friend played a song on the guitar while another friend sang a song of comfort. Our Pastor had just a short devotional. And the service was concluded.
We found great comfort in the support of our friends at calling hours and the funeral service. We felt that though our baby's life was short, we still needed this final tribute to him.
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