Baker

Maynard D. Baker Funeral Home

11 Lafayette Street

Queensbury, NY  12804

Going it Alone

After Nancy died unexpectedly at age 37, I was shocked at the pressure placed on me to "get over it."  At first I received a great deal of support but after two or three months, I was clearly expected to "get on with my life."  Someone even suggested that I should solve my "problem" by dating and getting remarried.

Those comments come from Nate, a 39-year-old widower and the father of two school-aged children.  While there has been a proliferation of articles, pamphlets, books and support groups concerning bereavement, the vast majority of that support is directed to widows and very little specific help is aimed at the young widower.  In fact, the grief of a young widower is often dismissed by many, who tell a young widower how "lucky" he is to be young and male because he has the time to make a new life for himself and meet a new mate.

When a younger man loses his wife, he is alone in a way that women seldom experience.  His male peers are almost universally untutored and inexperienced with grief and therefore find it difficult to provide the right emotional support.  That reality, combined with the cultural expectation that men do not share intimate feelings and pains with other men, creates a climate in which young widowers are left on their own to cope with grief and single parenthood while still building and protecting their careers.  Here are some ways that younger widowers have coped with grief and loss.

I read extensively. Most people are completely uninformed about grief and the recovery process. Visiting the library or local bookstore to select books on grief is extremely helpful because widowers can find biographical accounts, books by psychologists, books by clergy, etc.  Little by little, reading through such books will help a young widower make sense of what is happening and the direction in which he needs to travel.

Keeping a journal helped me greatly. Many men who might find it uncomfortable to express feelings with another turn to journal writing.  This, too, is an effective way of expressing their feelings.  One man found that writing out his daily struggles in the form of poetry was therapeutic.  "I wrote and wrote and wrote every day.  Then, after a few months passed, I would pull out some of those early poems, read them and was amazed at the kind of progress I had made," recalls the widower.

A support group was absolutely essential. After his wife died, Jim, an executive with a Midwest corporation, joined a bereavement support group.  He likens grief support groups to the "12-Step" programs used by groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous.  "You don't have to explain what it means when you say 'I am grieving.'  Also, It was perfectly ok to cry in the group without feeling I had somehow become less 'manly.'"

I turned my grief into a growth experience. Although young widowers are devastated by the loss of their wives and their children's mothers, bereavement provides unique opportunities for growth if they are willing to say "yes" to life.  Unlike most other experiences, the death of a loved one means exploring new aspects of themselves as human beings.  Profound philosophical and theological questions emerge--What lessons can be learned about love and life?  What role does the divine play in issues of death, grief and healing?  How should life be reshaped after the loss of a loved one?  Ultimately, what are the most important matters in life?

Helping others helped me. Some men turn their pain into gain for other people.  "I was so alone and so lonely on my bereavement path that I vowed, if I ever recovered (and I did), I would reach out to other bereaved men," says one widower.  "Today, I lead grief growth groups specifically for younger widowers.  At any time we have between four and nine young men who meet twice a month for 90 minutes per session.  Getting involved with other men who were hurting took the edge off my own pain," he adds.

My faith brought me comfort and hope.  Turning to a power beyond themselves, many young widowers find comfort, hope, meaning and healing through their faith.  Those that have not faithfully participated in their house of worship begin to get reacquainted with their faith.  Others that have been active heighten their faith experience by engaging in deeper scriptural studies, regular meetings with their spiritual leaders, and increasing their time in prayer and meditation.

A few good friends made a big difference. The pain of grief cannot be cured quickly or changed rapidly, but it can be borne more easily.  The path for lightening the load of grief is having the opportunity to talk and be heard.  Young widowers who identify and connect with trusted friends that listen compassionately find the path through bereavement a little less intense.  They find such helpful people among their family, work colleagues, spiritual leaders and neighbors.  The common thread is that these supporters know how to "hear" another's pain.  Their listening is done in the context of unconditional acceptance and support.

"What" is more important than "why."  Young widowers who grew as a result of their grief and increased wisdom, compassion and sensitivity were those that rephrased questions.  They came to understand that what questions were more vital and productive than why questions.  Rather than focus on "why" -- Why did this happen?  Why did God allow this?  Why am I suffering?  Why is my life in turmoil -- they focused on "what" -- What do I learn from this?  What ways can I grow from this painful experience?  What direction will my life now take?  What spiritual lessons and insights can I glean?  What can I take from this experience to guide and help others?

Victor M. Parachin, Tulsa OK.

Maynard D. Baker Funeral Home

11 Lafayette Street

Queensbury, NY  12804

Phone: 518/761-9303